In an era witnessing the ascendancy of science and technology, faith is often shunted to one side as antiquated, boring, and entirely too stilted; a new form of speech therapy and life coaching has emerged to help those deities struggling to keep up with the times.
“Ieth justeth couldeth noteth keepeth upeth. Thingseth changeth tooeth fasteth theseth dayseth,” said Janus.
Janus is just one of the many immortal faces of sufferers of Divine Speech Impediment (DSI). The European Dark Ages were a high time for various beliefs, and the pronouncements of the day became an ingrained part of divine life. However as humans left the era and began a period of rapid cultural and technological evolution, many of the divinities found that they could no longer keep up. They were campfire deities in a gas-lit world. In growing numbers, they began to populate the side streets of the human mind, falling for their rightful places on high and below until Maria Santiago found them.
“It really is sad. All these marvelous beings being cast aside and forgotten as little more than fairy tale monsters of the day. They've just fallen out of touch with humanity and themselves. That's why my team and I have been trying to help them. All you have to do is remind them that if Gaia can do it, so can they,” said Santiago.
Gaia (Mother Earth) is one of the success stories of Santiago and her team. In the early 1700s, Gaia began to make her first attempts to throw off the shackles of millenia of patriarchal domination by religions centered on masculine figures. She met with limited success. A core group of founding neopagans emerged without becoming a substantial force. The low membership wore on Gaia for centuries before she confided in one her younger followers in the 1970s, Maria Santiago. In a flash of human inspiration, Santiago pointed out that Gaia's problem might be the stilted language she used to communicate with her followers. A year of intense speech therapy later, Gaia emerged feeling fresh and ready to face the modern world.
The results of the new Gaia were astounding. In the 80s and 90s, one of her initially smaller groups, Wicca, expanded rapidly by joining hands with the ideas of feminists. By adopting modern concepts and speech, Gaia transformed Wicca into the largest neopagan group in the United States. This success inspired Santiago to try to do what she had done for Gaia for many of the other deities slowly fading away.
“I won't lie. It's slow going much of the time. Some of them are so trapped in their old habits and speech that we're happy to get them to use silverware and to maybe get a minor break in the 'eths' once per month, but its those moments that make it all worthwhile,” said Santiago.
Surprisingly, one of the slower learners is the Norse god of cunning, Odin.
“Iteth iseth my eyeth. Ravenseth doeth noteth speaketh Englisheth veryeth well. Alleth the knowledge ineth the world caneth not helpeth that.,” said Odin.
Learning disabilities in all forms aren't the only problems that are faced by Santiago and her team. Sometimes a deity just doesn't want to admit that they are having problems, even when they come to Santiago for help. Divine denial has been the leading cause of death in the group for years.
“They're always very sorry. Honestly, they don't mean to hurt anyone. It all just gets to them. Some of them are used to being perfect, and admitting fault is hard to them. Isis even showed up at Sam's funeral after she cut her in half. Poor dear even tried to put Sam back together like she did her husband, but it really doesn't work without that divine spark. Fortunately for us, Alopecia's divine vengeance isn't as lethal,” said Santiago.
One of their most prominent (and yet least known) problem patients, the goddess Alopecia, has been with Santiago for well over a decade.
“Ieth doeth noteth haveth aeth speecheth imedpimenteth! Cleaneth outeth youreth earseth,” said Alopecia.
Santiago treats Alopecia with great care. Most of the time, male members of Santiago's team are sent to talk with Alopecia because she seems to prefer them. In what amounts to an hour or more of talk therapy, they coax Alopecia into going through some of the speech therapy exercises and to work on her self-esteem. Some days things go well, but others end with a trip to buy a wig. Even the smallest of advances are treated specially.
“I'm really quite proud of her. Yesterday, she managed to say 'Cleaneth outeth THINE EARS' instead of her normal spiel. We had coffee and tea, though, when I say coffee and tea, I mean I had a towel soaked in coffee on my head while Alopecia drank some tea,” said Robert North, one of Santiago's long standing team members.
Santiago and her team spent much of the 80s working out of a small house they rented in Los Angeles and called the Deity Rehabilitation Center; today they have 5 acre institute with housing for all staff members and in patients known as the Institute for Divine Logopaedics (IDL). The land was bought with funds donated by neopagans from all over the world. At any given time they cater to around 30 in-patient deities, and are in correspondence with up to 50 more to aid them in their quest to find their home in the modern world. While Santiago is pleased with institute as a whole, one building stands out from all the rest: the graduation center.
Outfitted to simulate any number of the famed homes of several major pantheons and to provide suitable generic divine backdrops, the graduation center is the ultimate goal of all their struggles. To stand in its walls means that a divinity has mastered their language impairment, and feels ready to face life on the outside again. We had the unique privilege of being able to watch the ceremony for a deity we got to know fairly well during our time with Santiago, Hermes. The fleet-footed god of travelers had first come to Santiago in 2002 because the stress of being unable to communicate his wishes and chronic depression from having his divine tools stolen. Hermes had never looked prouder of himself since we'd known him.
“I feel like a whole new god. Really, you have no idea how this feels. I can speak normally. People will be able to understand what I want for the first time since those crazy guys with togas finally got subverted by that other god. First thing I'm going to do on the outside is sue FTD. Those bastards stole my stuff! And they owe me years of royalties for the use of my image,” said Hermes.
Even with the release of Hermes, there are still many gods and goddesses left within the halls of IDL. Santiago and her team will continue the often thankless task of preparing the immortals for life in the new age.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Griefers give back what they get
Internet griefers, also known as trolls, are considered a bane wherever they call home, but a recent coalition of griefers have decided to give something back.
Whether they're disagreeing with you in an overly elaborate debate, deliberately sparking controversy, or just being disagreeable, griefers tend to be unwelcome extras on the internet. Most digital citizens ignore griefers in hopes they will go away. However, the rare fool will occasionally “feed the troll” and start a new series of complaints going. The Crusade of Youth (CoY), a loose coalition of lesser griefer groups, might or might not be looking to change that image.
“we're just in it for the lulz, dumbass. but is there ever nebody who getz that? no. so we all got tugether and make CoY. we gonna give ya sumthin back fer all the lulz, maybe. we do got sumthin fer are l337 crew though, new way to prove yer point: nazi shit,” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345, CoY's spokesperson.
The new mode of argument has been described as a form of fallacy by the more erudite members of the internet community. Griefers using this new mode of argument attempt to win any debate by opening with and continuing to use the most inane ideas possible to wear down the other debater. As a form of intelligent debate, this Nazi Shit Fallacy falls short since nothing is really proven in an argument where the most inane argument wins. When confronted with this, |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345 was less than pleased.
"that soundz liek ssumthin a nazi would fucking shit out! are ya some sort of nazi? nazi! yer fucking wrong becuz yer a goddamn shit eating nazi! NAZI! NAZI!” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345.
While the use was fairly formulaic, the notion of invoking Godwin's Law, extreme vulgarity, and bathroom humor as a systematized argument form still marks a change in the griefer “movement.” While they were previously known for empathic usage of reductio ad absurdum, straw men, and argument from ignorance, this is the first time they have shown the initiative to create their own mode of argument instead of leeching off of formal logic. Not everyone feels the same way about the new fallacy. Dr. Alfred Rogers of the University of Washington doubts that the Nazi Shit Fallacy even counts as new form of flawed logic.
“If you look at it closely, the argument really is just a form of poisoning the well. In its most formalized form, the argument opens by equating the other speaker with the Hitler's feces. Since this is obviously meant to discredit the other speaker, the so-called “Nazi Shit” fallacy is really just a variation on an old favorite,” said Rogers.
Upon hearing this, CoY prepared a rebuttal.
“We here at CoY reject the notion that an insipid nance with a degree can distinguish between highly erudite forms of argumentation, and that he has the authority to dismiss the creative enterprise of our members as being derivative,” said 6070|-|3|_|_, the new spokesperson for CoY.
Contested status or not, expect to see the Nazi Shit fallacy on message boards that you frequent in the coming year as the membership of CoY expands.
Whether they're disagreeing with you in an overly elaborate debate, deliberately sparking controversy, or just being disagreeable, griefers tend to be unwelcome extras on the internet. Most digital citizens ignore griefers in hopes they will go away. However, the rare fool will occasionally “feed the troll” and start a new series of complaints going. The Crusade of Youth (CoY), a loose coalition of lesser griefer groups, might or might not be looking to change that image.
“we're just in it for the lulz, dumbass. but is there ever nebody who getz that? no. so we all got tugether and make CoY. we gonna give ya sumthin back fer all the lulz, maybe. we do got sumthin fer are l337 crew though, new way to prove yer point: nazi shit,” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345, CoY's spokesperson.
The new mode of argument has been described as a form of fallacy by the more erudite members of the internet community. Griefers using this new mode of argument attempt to win any debate by opening with and continuing to use the most inane ideas possible to wear down the other debater. As a form of intelligent debate, this Nazi Shit Fallacy falls short since nothing is really proven in an argument where the most inane argument wins. When confronted with this, |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345 was less than pleased.
"that soundz liek ssumthin a nazi would fucking shit out! are ya some sort of nazi? nazi! yer fucking wrong becuz yer a goddamn shit eating nazi! NAZI! NAZI!” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345.
While the use was fairly formulaic, the notion of invoking Godwin's Law, extreme vulgarity, and bathroom humor as a systematized argument form still marks a change in the griefer “movement.” While they were previously known for empathic usage of reductio ad absurdum, straw men, and argument from ignorance, this is the first time they have shown the initiative to create their own mode of argument instead of leeching off of formal logic. Not everyone feels the same way about the new fallacy. Dr. Alfred Rogers of the University of Washington doubts that the Nazi Shit Fallacy even counts as new form of flawed logic.
“If you look at it closely, the argument really is just a form of poisoning the well. In its most formalized form, the argument opens by equating the other speaker with the Hitler's feces. Since this is obviously meant to discredit the other speaker, the so-called “Nazi Shit” fallacy is really just a variation on an old favorite,” said Rogers.
Upon hearing this, CoY prepared a rebuttal.
“We here at CoY reject the notion that an insipid nance with a degree can distinguish between highly erudite forms of argumentation, and that he has the authority to dismiss the creative enterprise of our members as being derivative,” said 6070|-|3|_|_, the new spokesperson for CoY.
Contested status or not, expect to see the Nazi Shit fallacy on message boards that you frequent in the coming year as the membership of CoY expands.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Grammatically correct murder
A string of murders on the University of Kansas campus have baffled police.
Quiet, unassuming, and kind-hearted, no one ever expected that Jason Allen Lee wouldn't arrive back at his dorm in January. Some on his hall dismissed it as a case of the sophomore simply out drinking, but his roommate, Jared South, was worried.
“It wasn't at all like him. He was a very sober person, I mean, he drank every now and then, but I wouldn't call him the kind of person who would party,” said South.
Lee's body was discovered dead the next morning with a large slash beginning up his chest and continuing down to his abdomen, and the enigmatic message, “THEY'RE NOT THEIR” painstakingly written in Lee's blood five feet away. Initial ideas for the possible culprit were passed on to campus security, but they turned up nothing.
Three days later, Dr. Daniel Warner didn't show up for his Advanced Grammar class. His partner hadn't seen him since the previous morning. A search was mounted and Warner's body was found behind Wescoe Hall. His body had been disemboweled with a curved slash in his lower abdomen. Another strange message was found nearby: “COMMA SPLICE THIS, ASSHOLE.” Campus security has done what it can to help increase the safety of students.
“With two murders in four days, all the students are running a bit scared. We've got them operating on a buddy system for now, and have asked them not to go anywhere they don't absolutely have to go,” said Laura Tyler, head of campus security.
The second message from the killer has proven to be the break that the police need.
“The current idea of the killer is that he or she is an obsessive grammarian. Probably in their early-to-mid twenties. Possibly chronically stressed. Lately they will have seemed a little bit more at ease. Probably fond of expressively using red ink pens,” said Police Chief Derek Baker.
Unfortunately, the tentative profile could apply to any one of the myriad of students working on degrees in English. The current focus is on those English majors that work or have worked in the campus writing center in the past year. Police have named one tentative suspect that they are looking to question as soon as possible: Greg Firth.
Firth is a junior in the English program, and suffered from a psychotic break late last semester from the stress of his workload. Of particular interest to police is the fact that Firth was in Warner's advanced grammar class at the time, and reportedly got into several arguments with the professor. A student, who wished to remain unnamed, said that Firth and Warner had an argument over reference errors the day before Firth's psychotic break and had a long standing argument over the “Oxford comma.” Firth's former roommate, Richard Veitch, also had a disturbing incident to tell us about.
“I came back to the dorm one day, and he was just writing away. But wasn't writing. I tried to get him to tell me what was bothering him, he was usually in the writing center then. He just sort of starts whispering and it builds up into a shout. Before I know it, he's yelling in my face about how Doc Warner said to fix a something that “no one without their head up their ass could make a mistake about the meaning.” He kept at it for like ten minutes. I left after that with some of the other guys. When I came back, they said campus security had taken him away. Learned later he was in a psych ward,” said Veitch.
Firth is described as 6' 3” with a coarse blond hair fauxhawk and weighing around 174 lbs. He was last seen wearing a shirt with a list of Shakespearean plays on it and “Will Power” prominently displayed.
The chancellor of the university, Sarah Williams, also expressed her condolences.
"We are all deeply saddened and troubled by the events of the past week. We've lost both a fine young man, and a wonderful professor. Both will be missed," said Williams.
Update:
Another three bodies were found, but it is not known if they are related. Unlike the previous victims, the message is actually inscribed into their flesh. The message is being poured over by experts who have yet to make any headway. The message is as follows: “ababcdcdefefgg =/= abbaabba”
Quiet, unassuming, and kind-hearted, no one ever expected that Jason Allen Lee wouldn't arrive back at his dorm in January. Some on his hall dismissed it as a case of the sophomore simply out drinking, but his roommate, Jared South, was worried.
“It wasn't at all like him. He was a very sober person, I mean, he drank every now and then, but I wouldn't call him the kind of person who would party,” said South.
Lee's body was discovered dead the next morning with a large slash beginning up his chest and continuing down to his abdomen, and the enigmatic message, “THEY'RE NOT THEIR” painstakingly written in Lee's blood five feet away. Initial ideas for the possible culprit were passed on to campus security, but they turned up nothing.
Three days later, Dr. Daniel Warner didn't show up for his Advanced Grammar class. His partner hadn't seen him since the previous morning. A search was mounted and Warner's body was found behind Wescoe Hall. His body had been disemboweled with a curved slash in his lower abdomen. Another strange message was found nearby: “COMMA SPLICE THIS, ASSHOLE.” Campus security has done what it can to help increase the safety of students.
“With two murders in four days, all the students are running a bit scared. We've got them operating on a buddy system for now, and have asked them not to go anywhere they don't absolutely have to go,” said Laura Tyler, head of campus security.
The second message from the killer has proven to be the break that the police need.
“The current idea of the killer is that he or she is an obsessive grammarian. Probably in their early-to-mid twenties. Possibly chronically stressed. Lately they will have seemed a little bit more at ease. Probably fond of expressively using red ink pens,” said Police Chief Derek Baker.
Unfortunately, the tentative profile could apply to any one of the myriad of students working on degrees in English. The current focus is on those English majors that work or have worked in the campus writing center in the past year. Police have named one tentative suspect that they are looking to question as soon as possible: Greg Firth.
Firth is a junior in the English program, and suffered from a psychotic break late last semester from the stress of his workload. Of particular interest to police is the fact that Firth was in Warner's advanced grammar class at the time, and reportedly got into several arguments with the professor. A student, who wished to remain unnamed, said that Firth and Warner had an argument over reference errors the day before Firth's psychotic break and had a long standing argument over the “Oxford comma.” Firth's former roommate, Richard Veitch, also had a disturbing incident to tell us about.
“I came back to the dorm one day, and he was just writing away. But wasn't writing. I tried to get him to tell me what was bothering him, he was usually in the writing center then. He just sort of starts whispering and it builds up into a shout. Before I know it, he's yelling in my face about how Doc Warner said to fix a something that “no one without their head up their ass could make a mistake about the meaning.” He kept at it for like ten minutes. I left after that with some of the other guys. When I came back, they said campus security had taken him away. Learned later he was in a psych ward,” said Veitch.
Firth is described as 6' 3” with a coarse blond hair fauxhawk and weighing around 174 lbs. He was last seen wearing a shirt with a list of Shakespearean plays on it and “Will Power” prominently displayed.
The chancellor of the university, Sarah Williams, also expressed her condolences.
"We are all deeply saddened and troubled by the events of the past week. We've lost both a fine young man, and a wonderful professor. Both will be missed," said Williams.
Update:
Another three bodies were found, but it is not known if they are related. Unlike the previous victims, the message is actually inscribed into their flesh. The message is being poured over by experts who have yet to make any headway. The message is as follows: “ababcdcdefefgg =/= abbaabba”
Buffalo chicken tenderizes flu
With the threat of the swine flu hanging over the world's head, the city council of Buffalo, New York has decided to launch a preemptive campaign for flu shots this fall.
Drawing on 40s superhero nostalgia, designers have come up with a new campaign to help motivate the elderly into getting a seasonal flu shot. The new campaign will feature two characters specially designed for it: Commander Chicken and Comrade Influenza.
“The idea is to go for that notion of the good old days before hippies and post-modernism forever robbed America of its true vision of good and evil. You can tell by the cut of Commander's cape and the patriotic flag emblazoned on his chest that he is the good guy and, most importantly, American,” said Mark Goldberg, one of the designers.
The gaudily dressed poultry does battle against the amoeba-esqe looking Comrade Influenza. Comrade's distinctive look borrows from the portrayal of Russians during the McCarthy era. In one of the posters set to go on display Wednesday, Comrade menaces Commander from behind a wall. Comrade's heavy beard and fur cap are all that can be seen, and yet still manage to convey a subtle aura of menace to the viewers as a towering “Winter 2009” prepares to drop on Commander Chicken.
“What I set out to do in helping design Commander Chicken was actually to help remind people of the decision to make women's suffrage a universal human right, and to subvert the seeming masculine authority of the title of 'Commander' by putting an empowered woman behind it and thereby toppling the regime. Because, you see, boy chickens don't lay eggs, but you need eggs to make vaccines,” said Cynthia Porter, another contributing designer.
Vaccines are grown in fertilized chicken eggs, and then removed to be used by humans. This method of production is slow and has fallen under critique for years. Scientists have been working to come up with new methods of vaccine creation, but it still takes many months to become fully prepared for a given flu season even after the decision has been made about which of the previous season's primary strains will resurface. The city council states this as one of the other motivating reasons for the early launch of their campaign.
“If it's going to take months to get enough, we should be reminding people during those months that they'll need to get the vaccine come winter. We hope it will help cut down on hospitalizations. Though, we are partly worried by one thing a designer told us, it could cause our plan to encourage the elderly to backfire almost entirely,” said Sherry Baker, a city council member.
The potential problem stems from one of the more controversial methods of interpreting the art and science behind the posters.
“You see, obviously, if Commander there feels she needs to be known as a man, she must be a transsexual. We aren't even trying to hide it. She's saying, 'Yes, I'm a woman biologically, but I feel so much better as a man.' It's almost a cry for help really. And Comrade? Obviously asexual typecasting as the creepy neighbor. I'm sure it is a very nice flu bug when people aren't busy trying to blame the world's problems on it,” said Gary Brooks, another designer on the project.
The state of New York has congratulated the Buffalo City Council for its proactive stance towards flu prevention, and Mary Allaman, who proposed the original idea, is set to receive an award in July for her commitment to public health.
Drawing on 40s superhero nostalgia, designers have come up with a new campaign to help motivate the elderly into getting a seasonal flu shot. The new campaign will feature two characters specially designed for it: Commander Chicken and Comrade Influenza.
“The idea is to go for that notion of the good old days before hippies and post-modernism forever robbed America of its true vision of good and evil. You can tell by the cut of Commander's cape and the patriotic flag emblazoned on his chest that he is the good guy and, most importantly, American,” said Mark Goldberg, one of the designers.
The gaudily dressed poultry does battle against the amoeba-esqe looking Comrade Influenza. Comrade's distinctive look borrows from the portrayal of Russians during the McCarthy era. In one of the posters set to go on display Wednesday, Comrade menaces Commander from behind a wall. Comrade's heavy beard and fur cap are all that can be seen, and yet still manage to convey a subtle aura of menace to the viewers as a towering “Winter 2009” prepares to drop on Commander Chicken.
“What I set out to do in helping design Commander Chicken was actually to help remind people of the decision to make women's suffrage a universal human right, and to subvert the seeming masculine authority of the title of 'Commander' by putting an empowered woman behind it and thereby toppling the regime. Because, you see, boy chickens don't lay eggs, but you need eggs to make vaccines,” said Cynthia Porter, another contributing designer.
Vaccines are grown in fertilized chicken eggs, and then removed to be used by humans. This method of production is slow and has fallen under critique for years. Scientists have been working to come up with new methods of vaccine creation, but it still takes many months to become fully prepared for a given flu season even after the decision has been made about which of the previous season's primary strains will resurface. The city council states this as one of the other motivating reasons for the early launch of their campaign.
“If it's going to take months to get enough, we should be reminding people during those months that they'll need to get the vaccine come winter. We hope it will help cut down on hospitalizations. Though, we are partly worried by one thing a designer told us, it could cause our plan to encourage the elderly to backfire almost entirely,” said Sherry Baker, a city council member.
The potential problem stems from one of the more controversial methods of interpreting the art and science behind the posters.
“You see, obviously, if Commander there feels she needs to be known as a man, she must be a transsexual. We aren't even trying to hide it. She's saying, 'Yes, I'm a woman biologically, but I feel so much better as a man.' It's almost a cry for help really. And Comrade? Obviously asexual typecasting as the creepy neighbor. I'm sure it is a very nice flu bug when people aren't busy trying to blame the world's problems on it,” said Gary Brooks, another designer on the project.
The state of New York has congratulated the Buffalo City Council for its proactive stance towards flu prevention, and Mary Allaman, who proposed the original idea, is set to receive an award in July for her commitment to public health.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Show your computer you cAIre
Futurists, rejoice! Hallmark has announced a soon to be launched line of cards specifically meant for robots: “cAIrds.”
The initial idea was laughed about by executives, but rapidly became an expected future source of revenue after the proposer of the line, Amelia Patterson, gave the executives a copy of Ray Kurzweil's book, The Singularity is Near.
“It all seemed so far fetched before reading that book. But I think human level AI will become a viable marketing niche in the near future. They might be able to out think us, but they'll have the same issues as eggheads and not be able to relate to people well, that's where we'll step in to help like we always do,” said Richard Scott, a Hallmark executive.
Designs for the cards began very unadorned. Simple, gray slates with text were the basic visual style of the first generation. Further thought has lead to an ever blossoming visual revolution. The real intuitive leap came when the lead designer, Sarah Bechstein, speculated that any AI capable of even trying to care would probably want something more appealing to human eyes if it was going to give someone a card. Those same colors would be used by any receiving AI as a method of interpreting the intentions and thoughts of the human presenting them with a card.
“So, we all brainstormed and came up with a sort of middle ground between the utilitarian and mathematic designs we started out with, and the more flowery feel good cards we're used to designing. Fractal greeting cards,” said Bechstein.
Stunning and often imagery covers the initial visual look of the cards. The most suggestive images were reserved for the most subtle cards, while more formal cards showcase the algorithm or mathematical formula used to generate the fractal. The interior of the card contains the usual meaningful messages, but restated in such a way as to make it easier to be understood by AI. One of the samples reads: “Expressive Greeting of Joy! It is a good thing that your frail organic form has not yet deteriorated to the point of inducing dementia. A pleasant celebration of the 70th year since your incubator bloodily expelled your from within, fellow sentient.”
“We're hoping by taking away some of the abstract nature of human communication. When you think about it, “Happy birthday” doesn't make much sense to a being that technically isn't born. The nuances of various emotions could also be a bit of trouble. These samples are just what we have so far. Think of it as planning for the infancy of AI. The messages will become more conventional as they get more used to dealing with humans,” said Scott.
“cAIrds” will be available in all the usual situational categories. Voice cards will also figure prominently into the early card line-up to further ease the transition process during which humans and AI will be learning to get along. Stephen Hawking has been contracted to read all the prerecorded audio cards.
The final problem facing designers is that the stilted language used to help AIs interact easily may be a bit of a turn off to early adopters.
“I'll admit, we are a tiny bit worried about some of the cards. Most people won't like being referred to as “self-reproducing organic machines,” but it is a small price to pay to be on the cutting edge of greeting cards,” said Scott.
Hallmark has yet to give an official date when “cAIrds” will be available to the public.
The initial idea was laughed about by executives, but rapidly became an expected future source of revenue after the proposer of the line, Amelia Patterson, gave the executives a copy of Ray Kurzweil's book, The Singularity is Near.
“It all seemed so far fetched before reading that book. But I think human level AI will become a viable marketing niche in the near future. They might be able to out think us, but they'll have the same issues as eggheads and not be able to relate to people well, that's where we'll step in to help like we always do,” said Richard Scott, a Hallmark executive.
Designs for the cards began very unadorned. Simple, gray slates with text were the basic visual style of the first generation. Further thought has lead to an ever blossoming visual revolution. The real intuitive leap came when the lead designer, Sarah Bechstein, speculated that any AI capable of even trying to care would probably want something more appealing to human eyes if it was going to give someone a card. Those same colors would be used by any receiving AI as a method of interpreting the intentions and thoughts of the human presenting them with a card.
“So, we all brainstormed and came up with a sort of middle ground between the utilitarian and mathematic designs we started out with, and the more flowery feel good cards we're used to designing. Fractal greeting cards,” said Bechstein.
Stunning and often imagery covers the initial visual look of the cards. The most suggestive images were reserved for the most subtle cards, while more formal cards showcase the algorithm or mathematical formula used to generate the fractal. The interior of the card contains the usual meaningful messages, but restated in such a way as to make it easier to be understood by AI. One of the samples reads: “Expressive Greeting of Joy! It is a good thing that your frail organic form has not yet deteriorated to the point of inducing dementia. A pleasant celebration of the 70th year since your incubator bloodily expelled your from within, fellow sentient.”
“We're hoping by taking away some of the abstract nature of human communication. When you think about it, “Happy birthday” doesn't make much sense to a being that technically isn't born. The nuances of various emotions could also be a bit of trouble. These samples are just what we have so far. Think of it as planning for the infancy of AI. The messages will become more conventional as they get more used to dealing with humans,” said Scott.
“cAIrds” will be available in all the usual situational categories. Voice cards will also figure prominently into the early card line-up to further ease the transition process during which humans and AI will be learning to get along. Stephen Hawking has been contracted to read all the prerecorded audio cards.
The final problem facing designers is that the stilted language used to help AIs interact easily may be a bit of a turn off to early adopters.
“I'll admit, we are a tiny bit worried about some of the cards. Most people won't like being referred to as “self-reproducing organic machines,” but it is a small price to pay to be on the cutting edge of greeting cards,” said Scott.
Hallmark has yet to give an official date when “cAIrds” will be available to the public.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sci-Fi Channel Announces Final Phase of Image Shift
The impending change of the Sci-Fi channel's name to SyFy has caused a great uproar among their typical demographic, but it has become apparent that the name change was meant to coincide with a more radical programming change.
When Sci-Fi first announced its attempt at rebranding, the outrage was plain. Viewers couldn't understand why the network would attempt to changes its longstanding name to distance itself from the core upon which the network was founded. Explanations from the executives in charge made little sense. Some people suspected that the whole thing was little more than a smokescreen to cover something far larger. NBC, Sci-Fi's parent company, has confirmed that this is the case.
“Science fiction seems like a poor thing to waste a network on. We wanted to give back to the world what it gives to us in ratings, so we are announcing the final part of the rebranding of the Sci-Fi channel,” said Mark Jones, a senior executive.
The initial announcement was somewhat truthful in it addressing that SyFy is a form of textspeak. However, it is not textspeak referencing the science fiction genre. SyFy (“siffy”) is the textspeak and street name for syphilis.
“It really is as simple as a decision to provide a public service rather than a public disservice. We figure, with the end of the time wasted on science fiction, the geeks who will be forced to get a life will actually get useful information from the network. The consequences of unprotected and reckless sex are important to communicate to young and dysfunctional people before they finally get laid,” said Dave Howe.
Good intentions aside, the idea has caused great concern among conservative critics. Many have accused NBC of intending to contribute to “the degradation of the Christian values that make the United States great by encouraging sexual promiscuity.” Others are shocked at how open the intended programming will be even in the face of criticism.
“I mean, I was expecting that they would have some boring and really veiled shows or something, but, dude, they are actually trying to show the impact it has on lives. I got to preview this show “Single with Simplex” and the lead actress was totally hot,” said Zachary Miller, one of the members of marketing test group.
Even less convinced are members of the previous demographic that Sci-Fi claims to have been targeting: the myriad of science fiction fans.
“I may be a geek, but I'm certainly not dysfunctional, antisocial, or a boy. Link is cute enough to play a game to see though. But, the thing is, their (Sci-Fi's) dismissal of us all like that hurt. We've watched the network for years, and some of us grew up with it. And then they go and insult us all like that. For what? A channel about syphilis? S-C-I-F-I forever, I say. S-Y-F-Y can go away, I want my deranged, mutant ghost stalking campers movies!” said Sharon Reece, a science fiction fan.
The future line-up of the soon to be SyFy channel embraces the diversity found among venereal diseases and attempts to cover as many as possible. Shows will include a sitcom “Single with Simplex”, a cooking show “Crabs and Apples”, and an as yet unnamed mockumentary. The name change will occur on July 7th, 2009, while the programming changes will slowly be phased in over the following months to ease the transition.
When Sci-Fi first announced its attempt at rebranding, the outrage was plain. Viewers couldn't understand why the network would attempt to changes its longstanding name to distance itself from the core upon which the network was founded. Explanations from the executives in charge made little sense. Some people suspected that the whole thing was little more than a smokescreen to cover something far larger. NBC, Sci-Fi's parent company, has confirmed that this is the case.
“Science fiction seems like a poor thing to waste a network on. We wanted to give back to the world what it gives to us in ratings, so we are announcing the final part of the rebranding of the Sci-Fi channel,” said Mark Jones, a senior executive.
The initial announcement was somewhat truthful in it addressing that SyFy is a form of textspeak. However, it is not textspeak referencing the science fiction genre. SyFy (“siffy”) is the textspeak and street name for syphilis.
“It really is as simple as a decision to provide a public service rather than a public disservice. We figure, with the end of the time wasted on science fiction, the geeks who will be forced to get a life will actually get useful information from the network. The consequences of unprotected and reckless sex are important to communicate to young and dysfunctional people before they finally get laid,” said Dave Howe.
Good intentions aside, the idea has caused great concern among conservative critics. Many have accused NBC of intending to contribute to “the degradation of the Christian values that make the United States great by encouraging sexual promiscuity.” Others are shocked at how open the intended programming will be even in the face of criticism.
“I mean, I was expecting that they would have some boring and really veiled shows or something, but, dude, they are actually trying to show the impact it has on lives. I got to preview this show “Single with Simplex” and the lead actress was totally hot,” said Zachary Miller, one of the members of marketing test group.
Even less convinced are members of the previous demographic that Sci-Fi claims to have been targeting: the myriad of science fiction fans.
“I may be a geek, but I'm certainly not dysfunctional, antisocial, or a boy. Link is cute enough to play a game to see though. But, the thing is, their (Sci-Fi's) dismissal of us all like that hurt. We've watched the network for years, and some of us grew up with it. And then they go and insult us all like that. For what? A channel about syphilis? S-C-I-F-I forever, I say. S-Y-F-Y can go away, I want my deranged, mutant ghost stalking campers movies!” said Sharon Reece, a science fiction fan.
The future line-up of the soon to be SyFy channel embraces the diversity found among venereal diseases and attempts to cover as many as possible. Shows will include a sitcom “Single with Simplex”, a cooking show “Crabs and Apples”, and an as yet unnamed mockumentary. The name change will occur on July 7th, 2009, while the programming changes will slowly be phased in over the following months to ease the transition.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mississippi preacher says religion has financial perks
Reverend George Stoat of Flowood, Mississippi has dedicated all of his adult life to his faith. In recent years, this has lead to him taking a more hands on approach to the traditionally televangelism based prosperity gospel.
“I remember, when I was just three years old, I found a quarter. My father told me that I'd found that quarter because God wanted me to be happy. Well, I kept that quarter instead of buying gum like I'd wanted. Next week, I found a dollar. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't spend that though,” Stoat said.
Stoat kept his 'divine' quarter with him throughout his life. It rests in a mounted display case in the office of his present day ministries. According to Stoat, the quarter was with him and played a pivotal role in many events that changed the course of his life: his teenage job on a used card lot, paying for the privilege to meet his future trophy wives, and his job at Ponzi and Sons Investment Brokers. All of these, he claims, were a result of that one quarter.
It was when the quarter “burnt with a divine fire,” that Stoat felt his calling to the ministry. After a short study at a controversial seminary run by Benny Hinn, Stoat opened his doors. Every Wednesday and Sunday, like traditional churches, Stoat's followers gather in a small hall to listen to him speak. There he recounts the tales of his life. The typical theme being how having a little faith can have great returns. Evenings end with Stoat calling for donations, which he then invests for his followers. He hopes that they will all eventually be able to afford to build an even larger home for his ministries to “share the bounty of the Lord.”
“You see, in my years, I discovered one thing. The Godliest of men always seem to have the most money. What I mean is, when you look around, you see that most of the men, apart from a few loonies, with the most money all have a great faith in the Lord. Some say it is because they exploit people, but they are just jealous of the Lord's blessings,” said Stoat.
One of Stoat's most controversial claims has been the effect of education on potential prosperity. He holds that an education actually dampens the religious fervor of his followers, which causes God to look them over when they would otherwise receive a blessing. Dr. Theresa Barnes (56), an atheist, is one of his most outspoken critics.
“He's a menace! He's actually telling people that they ought to be dumb, and accept what he has to say as the word of God. Can you believe that? Have they even bothered to look at his past? Stoat is up to no good, and is decrying one of the things most valuable to our society, an education,” said Barnes.
Stoat takes a cavalier approach to Barnes' criticisms. He even used her as an example to illustrate several of his points during one sermon. Word eventually reached Barnes, who has sued Stoat for slander.
“All I said was that the reason she feels the need to attack me is because she is so unhappy and unsuccessful is because she cut God from her life. Colleges are places of unhappiness even for the most devout believer. Can't you see? College students, even the most well-funded, always seem perpetually poor. This is obviously the displeasure of the Lord. What makes matters worse is Ms. Barnes has not only stepped beyond her station as a woman, but that she also thinks blaming a person of integrity will make everything better for her,” said Stoat.
Public opinion of Stoat is varied, but he shared that numerous towns in Alabama have sent him letters telling him that they would welcome him with open arms. While he doesn't know what the future will bring, Stoat is sure everything will be fine as long as he has his lucky quarter.
“I remember, when I was just three years old, I found a quarter. My father told me that I'd found that quarter because God wanted me to be happy. Well, I kept that quarter instead of buying gum like I'd wanted. Next week, I found a dollar. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't spend that though,” Stoat said.
Stoat kept his 'divine' quarter with him throughout his life. It rests in a mounted display case in the office of his present day ministries. According to Stoat, the quarter was with him and played a pivotal role in many events that changed the course of his life: his teenage job on a used card lot, paying for the privilege to meet his future trophy wives, and his job at Ponzi and Sons Investment Brokers. All of these, he claims, were a result of that one quarter.
It was when the quarter “burnt with a divine fire,” that Stoat felt his calling to the ministry. After a short study at a controversial seminary run by Benny Hinn, Stoat opened his doors. Every Wednesday and Sunday, like traditional churches, Stoat's followers gather in a small hall to listen to him speak. There he recounts the tales of his life. The typical theme being how having a little faith can have great returns. Evenings end with Stoat calling for donations, which he then invests for his followers. He hopes that they will all eventually be able to afford to build an even larger home for his ministries to “share the bounty of the Lord.”
“You see, in my years, I discovered one thing. The Godliest of men always seem to have the most money. What I mean is, when you look around, you see that most of the men, apart from a few loonies, with the most money all have a great faith in the Lord. Some say it is because they exploit people, but they are just jealous of the Lord's blessings,” said Stoat.
One of Stoat's most controversial claims has been the effect of education on potential prosperity. He holds that an education actually dampens the religious fervor of his followers, which causes God to look them over when they would otherwise receive a blessing. Dr. Theresa Barnes (56), an atheist, is one of his most outspoken critics.
“He's a menace! He's actually telling people that they ought to be dumb, and accept what he has to say as the word of God. Can you believe that? Have they even bothered to look at his past? Stoat is up to no good, and is decrying one of the things most valuable to our society, an education,” said Barnes.
Stoat takes a cavalier approach to Barnes' criticisms. He even used her as an example to illustrate several of his points during one sermon. Word eventually reached Barnes, who has sued Stoat for slander.
“All I said was that the reason she feels the need to attack me is because she is so unhappy and unsuccessful is because she cut God from her life. Colleges are places of unhappiness even for the most devout believer. Can't you see? College students, even the most well-funded, always seem perpetually poor. This is obviously the displeasure of the Lord. What makes matters worse is Ms. Barnes has not only stepped beyond her station as a woman, but that she also thinks blaming a person of integrity will make everything better for her,” said Stoat.
Public opinion of Stoat is varied, but he shared that numerous towns in Alabama have sent him letters telling him that they would welcome him with open arms. While he doesn't know what the future will bring, Stoat is sure everything will be fine as long as he has his lucky quarter.
Game Preview - Tomb Raider: Extreme Wheelchairin'
Extreme sports games have always been a good seller for the video game industry, but with the advent of physics in the Tomb Raider universe, a new game has emerged, “Tomb Raider: Extreme Wheelchairin'.”
For years, the buxom heroine of the series, Lara Croft, has been known for her ever-expanding bustline. This new entry in the series comes from the decidedly “out of the box” thinking that the creative applied to the internal philosophy.
“We were thinking, since the code monkeys are giving us actual physics, how would that work? Jeff then mentioned something about a women proportioned like Barbie would at least have severe back problems. So what problems would Lara suffer if proper physics were applied?” said co-designer Sherry Allen, 36.
The premise of the game is relatively simple. Croft, after her seventh breast augmentation surgery, stands up. Unfortunately, this proves too much for her back after years of abuse. Her back snaps causing her to suffer from paralysis from the waist down. After being confined to a wheelchair, she suddenly finds out the hospital that has been treating her has also been treating the foes that she failed to entirely kill. The entire hospital is one large trap. Croft must use all the skills she has learned over the years to navigate her way out of the hospital, dragging her IV drip in tow, and down into the Ancient Mayan water slide park that the hospital rests on.
“Now, we don't want to give too much away, but one thing we are proud of is the trick system. There are various obstacles you can trick off of, usually with an ammo stash hidden at the highest possible arc. So you've got to balance the speed you're rolling at, and how tight of a grip you have on the IV stand or you could be looking at not just a wipe out, but a bleed out as well,” said Allen.
While we didn't get much hands on time with the game, the devs did let us try the multiplayer trick and combat mode called, “Guns Akimbo.” In it, players attempt to outscore one another on a potential lethality scale for their tricks, while accruing “true” lethality points by shooting at one another in mid-air. The playable characters included Lara Croft, assorted henchmen from the game, and Granny Croft, a picturesque version of Croft in her old age with a Mayan shawl embroidered with a skull.
As a special easter egg, if a player scores a set amount of lethality points across the younger Croft's chest, her implants will explode and fling both her and her wheelchair clean through nearby scenery. This opens up hidden bonus arenas. Similarly, if Granny Croft's wheelchair is struck at the right angle, her shawl will be knocked off, get tangled in the wheels, and also break through the scenery.
“We're all really excited about where this will take the series. I know some of the fans are expressing their worries, but we've done this for them. There had been growing complaints of stale gameplay over the past releases, so reinventing Tomb Raider was really a labor of love for them. I've fallen in love with the new Lara, so I hope the fans will too when we hit gold,” said Allen.
No release date has been set for the new installment yet, but speculation places it as Q3 2010.
For years, the buxom heroine of the series, Lara Croft, has been known for her ever-expanding bustline. This new entry in the series comes from the decidedly “out of the box” thinking that the creative applied to the internal philosophy.
“We were thinking, since the code monkeys are giving us actual physics, how would that work? Jeff then mentioned something about a women proportioned like Barbie would at least have severe back problems. So what problems would Lara suffer if proper physics were applied?” said co-designer Sherry Allen, 36.
The premise of the game is relatively simple. Croft, after her seventh breast augmentation surgery, stands up. Unfortunately, this proves too much for her back after years of abuse. Her back snaps causing her to suffer from paralysis from the waist down. After being confined to a wheelchair, she suddenly finds out the hospital that has been treating her has also been treating the foes that she failed to entirely kill. The entire hospital is one large trap. Croft must use all the skills she has learned over the years to navigate her way out of the hospital, dragging her IV drip in tow, and down into the Ancient Mayan water slide park that the hospital rests on.
“Now, we don't want to give too much away, but one thing we are proud of is the trick system. There are various obstacles you can trick off of, usually with an ammo stash hidden at the highest possible arc. So you've got to balance the speed you're rolling at, and how tight of a grip you have on the IV stand or you could be looking at not just a wipe out, but a bleed out as well,” said Allen.
While we didn't get much hands on time with the game, the devs did let us try the multiplayer trick and combat mode called, “Guns Akimbo.” In it, players attempt to outscore one another on a potential lethality scale for their tricks, while accruing “true” lethality points by shooting at one another in mid-air. The playable characters included Lara Croft, assorted henchmen from the game, and Granny Croft, a picturesque version of Croft in her old age with a Mayan shawl embroidered with a skull.
As a special easter egg, if a player scores a set amount of lethality points across the younger Croft's chest, her implants will explode and fling both her and her wheelchair clean through nearby scenery. This opens up hidden bonus arenas. Similarly, if Granny Croft's wheelchair is struck at the right angle, her shawl will be knocked off, get tangled in the wheels, and also break through the scenery.
“We're all really excited about where this will take the series. I know some of the fans are expressing their worries, but we've done this for them. There had been growing complaints of stale gameplay over the past releases, so reinventing Tomb Raider was really a labor of love for them. I've fallen in love with the new Lara, so I hope the fans will too when we hit gold,” said Allen.
No release date has been set for the new installment yet, but speculation places it as Q3 2010.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
First Church of ChriXist
Rough times make for strange bedfellows, just ask the members of the congregation of the First Church of ChriXist.
Allen Robinson, 31, a recent convert to Scientology from Christianity was struck by divine inspiration after raising his clear level, and proposed a new approach to conversions to local leaders in Scientology: they would conduct faith mergers. A trial merger with a splinter sect of Christianity has yielded “The First Church of Christ Xenu” or “ChriXist” for short.
“Really, just sort of came out of the blue. I was lying in bed, waving at departing thetans, and it hit me. I took my idea to the leaders the next day. And, well, here we are,” Robinson said.
Despite having roots in an urban environment, the First Church of ChriXist has yet to become particularly popular with the urban youth. The one meeting hall the church has acquired is continually subjected to graffiti expressing the opinions of the community. Public opinion is rarely printable.
Missing its original demographic has failed to harm the fledgling faith. It has found support from a surprisingly different group of people: young white men with an interest in urban culture.
“Christ Xenu in the hizz-ouse,” said Reverend Jeffery Ackland, 23, “We be bringin' tha word to tha un-en-light-ened. Dat hoopy frood know what goin' on fo' sho'. Tha flock (and the frock, know wha' I'm sayin'?) keep growin' as mo' people come up in he-ah. Fo-shizzle.”
Robinson has no problem with the fact that his brainchild is being run by Ackland. In fact, Robinson has commended Ackland for helping to find the soul in the merger. Turning around a seemingly defeated idea is not any easy feat. Ackland attributes his success to his faith and progressively higher “clear” level that allows him to see “futha mystahries of ChriXist to reveal to mah bruthas and sistahs.” Ackland, initially reticent about the more esoteric beliefs of his faith, opened up to one of our younger correspondents.
“ChriXist is the shiznit, man! Save yah soul and raise yah clear level all in one go, n'then, at the end of it all, yah get this frickin' sah-weet paradise where everyone got supahpowers from Tom Cruise! An' an' there's no one tah tell you tah turn the music down. Yeah, yeah, and thetan slaves actually turn it up to 11. And, dude, your mom will never tell you there is no such thing as a rhyming house party,” said Ackland, “Say, can you hold a piece, kid?”
The inventive services of the First Church of ChriXist include dancing competitions, marksmanship practice, hoodie fashion, “hood”ie fashion, and revving the engines of member cars until the police come and break them up for disturbing the peace. The current leader is “Whoopdawg” Daniels, 22, who has assumed his duties as reverend following the tragic shooting of the late Jeffery Ackland. Police are looking for Skew Society reporter Christie Taylor, 12, to help answer questions relating to the day of the shooting.
Daniels vows to “busta rhyme 'til the end of time for mah fallen brutha.” The rest of the congregation will be gathering with him for memorial services on March 20 Even with their loss, this new playah on the streets of suburbia doesn't look like it will be giving up its turf anytime soon, much to the chagrin of more established faiths and the local police.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Overexposed Minority
China has leveled further accusations against the United States for violation of the basic rights of individuals; the current accusation is one that China has described as having "deep historical roots" and called it "an unspoken agreement between people and government to oppress a silent majority."
After exchanging diplomatic blows earlier in the year over human rights issues, a further riposte from China was inevitable. What has stunned international authorities is the sheer breadth of the claim. China claims that common, infectious diseases are being deliberately oppressed. These "colony based individuals," they say, have been systematically ignored by every government of the United States except when genocide was chosen as the only option to prevent the masses from rising up to retake what was rightfully theirs. The move has baffled scientists.
"They've gone mad! Bacteria are not sapient, for God's sake. They are little micro-manufacturing bodies that can and do, as often as not, cause harm to their hosts. We've adapted to live with certain types of bacteria in our systems," Geoff Landshead, MD, "What they're saying is that every time you take an antibiotic, you're committing genocide. It's preposterous!"
Stateside activists have seized Doctor Landshead's statement as proving China's claim. Calling themselves the "Friends of Dysentery," these activists have engaged in systematic sit-ins at various clinics and hospitals in an attempt to acquire as many diseases as possible. Worried doctors have attempted to convince the men and women of the FoD against their course of action to no avail. Forcible attempts to remove them have lead to cries of "Right to assembly" and no one has been able to provide a legally satisfying reason for their removal.
Their founder, the late Heather Jones, began the FoD back in 1967 after an experience at a Grateful Dead concert. After taking a large dose of LSD and antibiotics to fight a case of dysentery, Jones claimed to have heard the bacteria screaming in terror within her body. She woke the next day with a new purpose. Five months later, she founded the FoD with her then partner, Robert Fisk. Together they gathered followers, and refined the FoD's signature protests. Fisk died seven months later from a case of dysentery and assorted veneral diseases. While Jones would outlast her partner for another three years, her declining health would eventually confine her to a wheelchair. Today, the FoD is lead by the optimisitc Dylan Ford.
"I really feel we are at a turning point in history. Bacteria are the last group it is okay to discriminate against, and we've made great progress towards equality as a society over the last decade. I truly feel that this unwarranted genocide against our single-celled cousins will come to an end," said Ford.
In response to China's allegations, the FoD have not only redoubled their recruiting drives and protests, but they have also begun production of a heretofore unknown play penned by their founder. "I Am Dysentery" will chronicle the troubled life of a single cell of the eponymous bacteria as it struggles against the twin threats of the oppressive immune system and antibiotics along its path to becoming a fully realized infection as a single mother. In what promises to be a moving finale, the cast will celebrate Dysentery's triumph with a final song, "Shits and Giggles."
The United Nations has dismissed China's claims as "assuredly insane," but promises they will be reconsidered in 2053.
After exchanging diplomatic blows earlier in the year over human rights issues, a further riposte from China was inevitable. What has stunned international authorities is the sheer breadth of the claim. China claims that common, infectious diseases are being deliberately oppressed. These "colony based individuals," they say, have been systematically ignored by every government of the United States except when genocide was chosen as the only option to prevent the masses from rising up to retake what was rightfully theirs. The move has baffled scientists.
"They've gone mad! Bacteria are not sapient, for God's sake. They are little micro-manufacturing bodies that can and do, as often as not, cause harm to their hosts. We've adapted to live with certain types of bacteria in our systems," Geoff Landshead, MD, "What they're saying is that every time you take an antibiotic, you're committing genocide. It's preposterous!"
Stateside activists have seized Doctor Landshead's statement as proving China's claim. Calling themselves the "Friends of Dysentery," these activists have engaged in systematic sit-ins at various clinics and hospitals in an attempt to acquire as many diseases as possible. Worried doctors have attempted to convince the men and women of the FoD against their course of action to no avail. Forcible attempts to remove them have lead to cries of "Right to assembly" and no one has been able to provide a legally satisfying reason for their removal.
Their founder, the late Heather Jones, began the FoD back in 1967 after an experience at a Grateful Dead concert. After taking a large dose of LSD and antibiotics to fight a case of dysentery, Jones claimed to have heard the bacteria screaming in terror within her body. She woke the next day with a new purpose. Five months later, she founded the FoD with her then partner, Robert Fisk. Together they gathered followers, and refined the FoD's signature protests. Fisk died seven months later from a case of dysentery and assorted veneral diseases. While Jones would outlast her partner for another three years, her declining health would eventually confine her to a wheelchair. Today, the FoD is lead by the optimisitc Dylan Ford.
"I really feel we are at a turning point in history. Bacteria are the last group it is okay to discriminate against, and we've made great progress towards equality as a society over the last decade. I truly feel that this unwarranted genocide against our single-celled cousins will come to an end," said Ford.
In response to China's allegations, the FoD have not only redoubled their recruiting drives and protests, but they have also begun production of a heretofore unknown play penned by their founder. "I Am Dysentery" will chronicle the troubled life of a single cell of the eponymous bacteria as it struggles against the twin threats of the oppressive immune system and antibiotics along its path to becoming a fully realized infection as a single mother. In what promises to be a moving finale, the cast will celebrate Dysentery's triumph with a final song, "Shits and Giggles."
The United Nations has dismissed China's claims as "assuredly insane," but promises they will be reconsidered in 2053.
Monday, March 2, 2009
So Good It's Sinful?
A controversial papal ban has sent thousands of Catholics to the emergency room this week. In light of the recent social sins added to the ever popular list of deadly sins that the Vatican has espoused for centuries, the Pope has announced that another new sin needed to be added: fresh fruit.
“A comprehensive study by a third party checked the rates of sinning among parishioners against the average diet, and made a startling discovery,” a Vatican spokesman said, “Those most likely to sin were also eating high amounts of fresh fruit. Did Eve not tempt Adam with an apple?”
The ban, coming so close to the new social sins, has met with mixed reactions from Catholics around the globe. George Haywood, 13, is one of the most enthusiastic about the new ban. He is incredibly keen on emulating pirates, the holiest men ever under the new ban. George thinks that the new ban will encourage all manner of holy behavior, and his parents are keen on the new ban as well.
“A little scurvy will do him some good, and keep him distracted from other things. There's more incentive for the young to keep their pants on when they've got pus-spewing sores on their legs,” says Martha Haywood, 45.
Devout dumpster divers have proven less than scrupulous in their search for morsels. Semi-rotten and growing fruit recover from neighbors trash or from behind the local hospital has lead to a growing number of visits to the emergency room. Doctor Nathaniel Smith of the Lady of Mercy hospital fully expects that the numbers will continue until the Vatican reverses its “disastrous” new ban.
Those not expecting a repeal of the ban have taken to coming up with new ideas to compensate for the sudden lack of fruit in their diet. A leading bishop, who wishes to remain anonymous, has written to the College of Cardinals and the Pope suggesting that the practice of abstinence be expanded throughout the week. He believes “a steady supply of fish will help the young fortify their bodies and minds for Christ.”
Those least happy about the ban include the family owned business, “Adam's Apples.” In operation since 1948, the store has served its local Catholics throughout troubled times, and the ban would devastate their business.
“It wasn't a damn apple, you silly hatted buffoon! Jesus Christ, that was an artist's decision,” complained Bart Adams, 62, “I mean, couldn't we just put a warning label on the fruit? Or maybe have a priest bless the sprinklers? Seems a bit drastic to just ban it all.”
Conditions do not appear favorable for a reversal of the ban at the moment. Responding to protests in St. Peter's Square, the Pope made a brief appearance to quiet the fears of his people. Hopes were dashed towards the end of his appearance when the Pope said, “What's a little scurvy compared to the cleanliness of your immortal soul?”
As the Vatican considers all the reactions pouring into its complex, the Catholics of the world wait with baited breath and the fish markets will continue to bounce back from the global recession.
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