Allen Robinson, 31, a recent convert to Scientology from Christianity was struck by divine inspiration after raising his clear level, and proposed a new approach to conversions to local leaders in Scientology: they would conduct faith mergers. A trial merger with a splinter sect of Christianity has yielded “The First Church of Christ Xenu” or “ChriXist” for short.
“Really, just sort of came out of the blue. I was lying in bed, waving at departing thetans, and it hit me. I took my idea to the leaders the next day. And, well, here we are,” Robinson said.
Despite having roots in an urban environment, the First Church of ChriXist has yet to become particularly popular with the urban youth. The one meeting hall the church has acquired is continually subjected to graffiti expressing the opinions of the community. Public opinion is rarely printable.
Missing its original demographic has failed to harm the fledgling faith. It has found support from a surprisingly different group of people: young white men with an interest in urban culture.
“Christ Xenu in the hizz-ouse,” said Reverend Jeffery Ackland, 23, “We be bringin' tha word to tha un-en-light-ened. Dat hoopy frood know what goin' on fo' sho'. Tha flock (and the frock, know wha' I'm sayin'?) keep growin' as mo' people come up in he-ah. Fo-shizzle.”
Robinson has no problem with the fact that his brainchild is being run by Ackland. In fact, Robinson has commended Ackland for helping to find the soul in the merger. Turning around a seemingly defeated idea is not any easy feat. Ackland attributes his success to his faith and progressively higher “clear” level that allows him to see “futha mystahries of ChriXist to reveal to mah bruthas and sistahs.” Ackland, initially reticent about the more esoteric beliefs of his faith, opened up to one of our younger correspondents.
“ChriXist is the shiznit, man! Save yah soul and raise yah clear level all in one go, n'then, at the end of it all, yah get this frickin' sah-weet paradise where everyone got supahpowers from Tom Cruise! An' an' there's no one tah tell you tah turn the music down. Yeah, yeah, and thetan slaves actually turn it up to 11. And, dude, your mom will never tell you there is no such thing as a rhyming house party,” said Ackland, “Say, can you hold a piece, kid?”
The inventive services of the First Church of ChriXist include dancing competitions, marksmanship practice, hoodie fashion, “hood”ie fashion, and revving the engines of member cars until the police come and break them up for disturbing the peace. The current leader is “Whoopdawg” Daniels, 22, who has assumed his duties as reverend following the tragic shooting of the late Jeffery Ackland. Police are looking for Skew Society reporter Christie Taylor, 12, to help answer questions relating to the day of the shooting.
Daniels vows to “busta rhyme 'til the end of time for mah fallen brutha.” The rest of the congregation will be gathering with him for memorial services on March 20 Even with their loss, this new playah on the streets of suburbia doesn't look like it will be giving up its turf anytime soon, much to the chagrin of more established faiths and the local police.
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