In-Depth: Divine Speech Impediment

In an era witnessing the ascendancy of science and technology, faith is often shunted to one side as antiquated, boring, and entirely too stilted; a new form of speech therapy and life coaching has emerged to help those deities struggling to keep up with the times.

“Ieth justeth couldeth noteth keepeth upeth. Thingseth changeth tooeth fasteth theseth dayseth,” said Janus.

Janus is just one of the many immortal faces of sufferers of Divine Speech Impediment (DSI). The European Dark Ages were a high time for various beliefs, and the pronouncements of the day became an ingrained part of divine life. However as humans left the era and began a period of rapid cultural and technological evolution, many of the divinities found that they could no longer keep up. They were campfire deities in a gas-lit world. In growing numbers, they began to populate the side streets of the human mind, falling for their rightful places on high and below until Maria Santiago found them.

“It really is sad. All these marvelous beings being cast aside and forgotten as little more than fairy tale monsters of the day. They've just fallen out of touch with humanity and themselves. That's why my team and I have been trying to help them. All you have to do is remind them that if Gaia can do it, so can they,” said Santiago.

Gaia (Mother Earth) is one of the success stories of Santiago and her team. In the early 1700s, Gaia began to make her first attempts to throw off the shackles of millenia of patriarchal domination by religions centered on masculine figures. She met with limited success. A core group of founding neopagans emerged without becoming a substantial force. The low membership wore on Gaia for centuries before she confided in one her younger followers in the 1970s, Maria Santiago. In a flash of human inspiration, Santiago pointed out that Gaia's problem might be the stilted language she used to communicate with her followers. A year of intense speech therapy later, Gaia emerged feeling fresh and ready to face the modern world.

The results of the new Gaia were astounding. In the 80s and 90s, one of her initially smaller groups, Wicca, expanded rapidly by joining hands with the ideas of feminists. By adopting modern concepts and speech, Gaia transformed Wicca into the largest neopagan group in the United States. This success inspired Santiago to try to do what she had done for Gaia for many of the other deities slowly fading away.

“I won't lie. It's slow going much of the time. Some of them are so trapped in their old habits and speech that we're happy to get them to use silverware and to maybe get a minor break in the 'eths' once per month, but its those moments that make it all worthwhile,” said Santiago.

Surprisingly, one of the slower learners is the Norse god of cunning, Odin.

“Iteth iseth my eyeth. Ravenseth doeth noteth speaketh Englisheth veryeth well. Alleth the knowledge ineth the world caneth not helpeth that.,” said Odin.

Learning disabilities in all forms aren't the only problems that are faced by Santiago and her team. Sometimes a deity just doesn't want to admit that they are having problems, even when they come to Santiago for help. Divine denial has been the leading cause of death in the group for years.

“They're always very sorry. Honestly, they don't mean to hurt anyone. It all just gets to them. Some of them are used to being perfect, and admitting fault is hard to them. Isis even showed up at Sam's funeral after she cut her in half. Poor dear even tried to put Sam back together like she did her husband, but it really doesn't work without that divine spark. Fortunately for us, Alopecia's divine vengeance isn't as lethal,” said Santiago.

One of their most prominent (and yet least known) problem patients, the goddess Alopecia, has been with Santiago for well over a decade.

“Ieth doeth noteth haveth aeth speecheth imedpimenteth! Cleaneth outeth youreth earseth,” said Alopecia.

Santiago treats Alopecia with great care. Most of the time, male members of Santiago's team are sent to talk with Alopecia because she seems to prefer them. In what amounts to an hour or more of talk therapy, they coax Alopecia into going through some of the speech therapy exercises and to work on her self-esteem. Some days things go well, but others end with a trip to buy a wig. Even the smallest of advances are treated specially.

“I'm really quite proud of her. Yesterday, she managed to say 'Cleaneth outeth THINE EARS' instead of her normal spiel. We had coffee and tea, though, when I say coffee and tea, I mean I had a towel soaked in coffee on my head while Alopecia drank some tea,” said Robert North, one of Santiago's long standing team members.

Santiago and her team spent much of the 80s working out of a small house they rented in Los Angeles and called the Deity Rehabilitation Center; today they have 5 acre institute with housing for all staff members and in patients known as the Institute for Divine Logopaedics (IDL). The land was bought with funds donated by neopagans from all over the world. At any given time they cater to around 30 in-patient deities, and are in correspondence with up to 50 more to aid them in their quest to find their home in the modern world. While Santiago is pleased with institute as a whole, one building stands out from all the rest: the graduation center.

Outfitted to simulate any number of the famed homes of several major pantheons and to provide suitable generic divine backdrops, the graduation center is the ultimate goal of all their struggles. To stand in its walls means that a divinity has mastered their language impairment, and feels ready to face life on the outside again. We had the unique privilege of being able to watch the ceremony for a deity we got to know fairly well during our time with Santiago, Hermes. The fleet-footed god of travelers had first come to Santiago in 2002 because the stress of being unable to communicate his wishes and chronic depression from having his divine tools stolen. Hermes had never looked prouder of himself since we'd known him.

“I feel like a whole new god. Really, you have no idea how this feels. I can speak normally. People will be able to understand what I want for the first time since those crazy guys with togas finally got subverted by that other god. First thing I'm going to do on the outside is sue FTD. Those bastards stole my stuff! And they owe me years of royalties for the use of my image,” said Hermes.

Even with the release of Hermes, there are still many gods and goddesses left within the halls of IDL. Santiago and her team will continue the often thankless task of preparing the immortals for life in the new age.

Griefers give back what they get

Internet griefers, also known as trolls, are considered a bane wherever they call home, but a recent coalition of griefers have decided to give something back.

Whether they're disagreeing with you in an overly elaborate debate, deliberately sparking controversy, or just being disagreeable, griefers tend to be unwelcome extras on the internet. Most digital citizens ignore griefers in hopes they will go away. However, the rare fool will occasionally “feed the troll” and start a new series of complaints going. The Crusade of Youth (CoY), a loose coalition of lesser griefer groups, might or might not be looking to change that image.

“we're just in it for the lulz, dumbass. but is there ever nebody who getz that? no. so we all got tugether and make CoY. we gonna give ya sumthin back fer all the lulz, maybe. we do got sumthin fer are l337 crew though, new way to prove yer point: nazi shit,” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345, CoY's spokesperson.

The new mode of argument has been described as a form of fallacy by the more erudite members of the internet community. Griefers using this new mode of argument attempt to win any debate by opening with and continuing to use the most inane ideas possible to wear down the other debater. As a form of intelligent debate, this Nazi Shit Fallacy falls short since nothing is really proven in an argument where the most inane argument wins. When confronted with this, |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345 was less than pleased.

"that soundz liek ssumthin a nazi would fucking shit out! are ya some sort of nazi? nazi! yer fucking wrong becuz yer a goddamn shit eating nazi! NAZI! NAZI!” said |=|_|(|<'/0|_|345.

While the use was fairly formulaic, the notion of invoking Godwin's Law, extreme vulgarity, and bathroom humor as a systematized argument form still marks a change in the griefer “movement.” While they were previously known for empathic usage of reductio ad absurdum, straw men, and argument from ignorance, this is the first time they have shown the initiative to create their own mode of argument instead of leeching off of formal logic. Not everyone feels the same way about the new fallacy. Dr. Alfred Rogers of the University of Washington doubts that the Nazi Shit Fallacy even counts as new form of flawed logic.

“If you look at it closely, the argument really is just a form of poisoning the well. In its most formalized form, the argument opens by equating the other speaker with the Hitler's feces. Since this is obviously meant to discredit the other speaker, the so-called “Nazi Shit” fallacy is really just a variation on an old favorite,” said Rogers.

Upon hearing this, CoY prepared a rebuttal.

“We here at CoY reject the notion that an insipid nance with a degree can distinguish between highly erudite forms of argumentation, and that he has the authority to dismiss the creative enterprise of our members as being derivative,” said 6070|-|3|_|_, the new spokesperson for CoY.

Contested status or not, expect to see the Nazi Shit fallacy on message boards that you frequent in the coming year as the membership of CoY expands.