First Church of ChriXist

Rough times make for strange bedfellows, just ask the members of the congregation of the First Church of ChriXist.

Allen Robinson, 31, a recent convert to Scientology from Christianity was struck by divine inspiration after raising his clear level, and proposed a new approach to conversions to local leaders in Scientology: they would conduct faith mergers. A trial merger with a splinter sect of Christianity has yielded “The First Church of Christ Xenu” or “ChriXist” for short.

“Really, just sort of came out of the blue. I was lying in bed, waving at departing thetans, and it hit me. I took my idea to the leaders the next day. And, well, here we are,” Robinson said.

Despite having roots in an urban environment, the First Church of ChriXist has yet to become particularly popular with the urban youth. The one meeting hall the church has acquired is continually subjected to graffiti expressing the opinions of the community. Public opinion is rarely printable.

Missing its original demographic has failed to harm the fledgling faith. It has found support from a surprisingly different group of people: young white men with an interest in urban culture.

“Christ Xenu in the hizz-ouse,” said Reverend Jeffery Ackland, 23, “We be bringin' tha word to tha un-en-light-ened. Dat hoopy frood know what goin' on fo' sho'. Tha flock (and the frock, know wha' I'm sayin'?) keep growin' as mo' people come up in he-ah. Fo-shizzle.”

Robinson has no problem with the fact that his brainchild is being run by Ackland. In fact, Robinson has commended Ackland for helping to find the soul in the merger. Turning around a seemingly defeated idea is not any easy feat. Ackland attributes his success to his faith and progressively higher “clear” level that allows him to see “futha mystahries of ChriXist to reveal to mah bruthas and sistahs.” Ackland, initially reticent about the more esoteric beliefs of his faith, opened up to one of our younger correspondents.

“ChriXist is the shiznit, man! Save yah soul and raise yah clear level all in one go, n'then, at the end of it all, yah get this frickin' sah-weet paradise where everyone got supahpowers from Tom Cruise! An' an' there's no one tah tell you tah turn the music down. Yeah, yeah, and thetan slaves actually turn it up to 11. And, dude, your mom will never tell you there is no such thing as a rhyming house party,” said Ackland, “Say, can you hold a piece, kid?”

The inventive services of the First Church of ChriXist include dancing competitions, marksmanship practice, hoodie fashion, “hood”ie fashion, and revving the engines of member cars until the police come and break them up for disturbing the peace. The current leader is “Whoopdawg” Daniels, 22, who has assumed his duties as reverend following the tragic shooting of the late Jeffery Ackland. Police are looking for Skew Society reporter Christie Taylor, 12, to help answer questions relating to the day of the shooting.

Daniels vows to “busta rhyme 'til the end of time for mah fallen brutha.” The rest of the congregation will be gathering with him for memorial services on March 20 Even with their loss, this new playah on the streets of suburbia doesn't look like it will be giving up its turf anytime soon, much to the chagrin of more established faiths and the local police.

Overexposed Minority

China has leveled further accusations against the United States for violation of the basic rights of individuals; the current accusation is one that China has described as having "deep historical roots" and called it "an unspoken agreement between people and government to oppress a silent majority."

After exchanging diplomatic blows earlier in the year over human rights issues, a further riposte from China was inevitable. What has stunned international authorities is the sheer breadth of the claim. China claims that common, infectious diseases are being deliberately oppressed. These "colony based individuals," they say, have been systematically ignored by every government of the United States except when genocide was chosen as the only option to prevent the masses from rising up to retake what was rightfully theirs. The move has baffled scientists.

"They've gone mad! Bacteria are not sapient, for God's sake. They are little micro-manufacturing bodies that can and do, as often as not, cause harm to their hosts. We've adapted to live with certain types of bacteria in our systems," Geoff Landshead, MD, "What they're saying is that every time you take an antibiotic, you're committing genocide. It's preposterous!"

Stateside activists have seized Doctor Landshead's statement as proving China's claim. Calling themselves the "Friends of Dysentery," these activists have engaged in systematic sit-ins at various clinics and hospitals in an attempt to acquire as many diseases as possible. Worried doctors have attempted to convince the men and women of the FoD against their course of action to no avail. Forcible attempts to remove them have lead to cries of "Right to assembly" and no one has been able to provide a legally satisfying reason for their removal.

Their founder, the late Heather Jones, began the FoD back in 1967 after an experience at a Grateful Dead concert. After taking a large dose of LSD and antibiotics to fight a case of dysentery, Jones claimed to have heard the bacteria screaming in terror within her body. She woke the next day with a new purpose. Five months later, she founded the FoD with her then partner, Robert Fisk. Together they gathered followers, and refined the FoD's signature protests. Fisk died seven months later from a case of dysentery and assorted veneral diseases. While Jones would outlast her partner for another three years, her declining health would eventually confine her to a wheelchair. Today, the FoD is lead by the optimisitc Dylan Ford.

"I really feel we are at a turning point in history. Bacteria are the last group it is okay to discriminate against, and we've made great progress towards equality as a society over the last decade. I truly feel that this unwarranted genocide against our single-celled cousins will come to an end," said Ford.

In response to China's allegations, the FoD have not only redoubled their recruiting drives and protests, but they have also begun production of a heretofore unknown play penned by their founder. "I Am Dysentery" will chronicle the troubled life of a single cell of the eponymous bacteria as it struggles against the twin threats of the oppressive immune system and antibiotics along its path to becoming a fully realized infection as a single mother. In what promises to be a moving finale, the cast will celebrate Dysentery's triumph with a final song, "Shits and Giggles."

The United Nations has dismissed China's claims as "assuredly insane," but promises they will be reconsidered in 2053.

So Good It's Sinful?

A controversial papal ban has sent thousands of Catholics to the emergency room this week. In light of the recent social sins added to the ever popular list of deadly sins that the Vatican has espoused for centuries, the Pope has announced that another new sin needed to be added: fresh fruit.

“A comprehensive study by a third party checked the rates of sinning among parishioners against the average diet, and made a startling discovery,” a Vatican spokesman said, “Those most likely to sin were also eating high amounts of fresh fruit. Did Eve not tempt Adam with an apple?”

The ban, coming so close to the new social sins, has met with mixed reactions from Catholics around the globe. George Haywood, 13, is one of the most enthusiastic about the new ban. He is incredibly keen on emulating pirates, the holiest men ever under the new ban. George thinks that the new ban will encourage all manner of holy behavior, and his parents are keen on the new ban as well.

“A little scurvy will do him some good, and keep him distracted from other things. There's more incentive for the young to keep their pants on when they've got pus-spewing sores on their legs,” says Martha Haywood, 45.

Devout dumpster divers have proven less than scrupulous in their search for morsels. Semi-rotten and growing fruit recover from neighbors trash or from behind the local hospital has lead to a growing number of visits to the emergency room. Doctor Nathaniel Smith of the Lady of Mercy hospital fully expects that the numbers will continue until the Vatican reverses its “disastrous” new ban.

Those not expecting a repeal of the ban have taken to coming up with new ideas to compensate for the sudden lack of fruit in their diet. A leading bishop, who wishes to remain anonymous, has written to the College of Cardinals and the Pope suggesting that the practice of abstinence be expanded throughout the week. He believes “a steady supply of fish will help the young fortify their bodies and minds for Christ.”

Those least happy about the ban include the family owned business, “Adam's Apples.” In operation since 1948, the store has served its local Catholics throughout troubled times, and the ban would devastate their business.

“It wasn't a damn apple, you silly hatted buffoon! Jesus Christ, that was an artist's decision,” complained Bart Adams, 62, “I mean, couldn't we just put a warning label on the fruit? Or maybe have a priest bless the sprinklers? Seems a bit drastic to just ban it all.”

Conditions do not appear favorable for a reversal of the ban at the moment. Responding to protests in St. Peter's Square, the Pope made a brief appearance to quiet the fears of his people. Hopes were dashed towards the end of his appearance when the Pope said, “What's a little scurvy compared to the cleanliness of your immortal soul?”

As the Vatican considers all the reactions pouring into its complex, the Catholics of the world wait with baited breath and the fish markets will continue to bounce back from the global recession.