So Good It's Sinful?

A controversial papal ban has sent thousands of Catholics to the emergency room this week. In light of the recent social sins added to the ever popular list of deadly sins that the Vatican has espoused for centuries, the Pope has announced that another new sin needed to be added: fresh fruit.

“A comprehensive study by a third party checked the rates of sinning among parishioners against the average diet, and made a startling discovery,” a Vatican spokesman said, “Those most likely to sin were also eating high amounts of fresh fruit. Did Eve not tempt Adam with an apple?”

The ban, coming so close to the new social sins, has met with mixed reactions from Catholics around the globe. George Haywood, 13, is one of the most enthusiastic about the new ban. He is incredibly keen on emulating pirates, the holiest men ever under the new ban. George thinks that the new ban will encourage all manner of holy behavior, and his parents are keen on the new ban as well.

“A little scurvy will do him some good, and keep him distracted from other things. There's more incentive for the young to keep their pants on when they've got pus-spewing sores on their legs,” says Martha Haywood, 45.

Devout dumpster divers have proven less than scrupulous in their search for morsels. Semi-rotten and growing fruit recover from neighbors trash or from behind the local hospital has lead to a growing number of visits to the emergency room. Doctor Nathaniel Smith of the Lady of Mercy hospital fully expects that the numbers will continue until the Vatican reverses its “disastrous” new ban.

Those not expecting a repeal of the ban have taken to coming up with new ideas to compensate for the sudden lack of fruit in their diet. A leading bishop, who wishes to remain anonymous, has written to the College of Cardinals and the Pope suggesting that the practice of abstinence be expanded throughout the week. He believes “a steady supply of fish will help the young fortify their bodies and minds for Christ.”

Those least happy about the ban include the family owned business, “Adam's Apples.” In operation since 1948, the store has served its local Catholics throughout troubled times, and the ban would devastate their business.

“It wasn't a damn apple, you silly hatted buffoon! Jesus Christ, that was an artist's decision,” complained Bart Adams, 62, “I mean, couldn't we just put a warning label on the fruit? Or maybe have a priest bless the sprinklers? Seems a bit drastic to just ban it all.”

Conditions do not appear favorable for a reversal of the ban at the moment. Responding to protests in St. Peter's Square, the Pope made a brief appearance to quiet the fears of his people. Hopes were dashed towards the end of his appearance when the Pope said, “What's a little scurvy compared to the cleanliness of your immortal soul?”

As the Vatican considers all the reactions pouring into its complex, the Catholics of the world wait with baited breath and the fish markets will continue to bounce back from the global recession.