Mississippi preacher says religion has financial perks

Reverend George Stoat of Flowood, Mississippi has dedicated all of his adult life to his faith. In recent years, this has lead to him taking a more hands on approach to the traditionally televangelism based prosperity gospel.

“I remember, when I was just three years old, I found a quarter. My father told me that I'd found that quarter because God wanted me to be happy. Well, I kept that quarter instead of buying gum like I'd wanted. Next week, I found a dollar. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't spend that though,” Stoat said.

Stoat kept his 'divine' quarter with him throughout his life. It rests in a mounted display case in the office of his present day ministries. According to Stoat, the quarter was with him and played a pivotal role in many events that changed the course of his life: his teenage job on a used card lot, paying for the privilege to meet his future trophy wives, and his job at Ponzi and Sons Investment Brokers. All of these, he claims, were a result of that one quarter.

It was when the quarter “burnt with a divine fire,” that Stoat felt his calling to the ministry. After a short study at a controversial seminary run by Benny Hinn, Stoat opened his doors. Every Wednesday and Sunday, like traditional churches, Stoat's followers gather in a small hall to listen to him speak. There he recounts the tales of his life. The typical theme being how having a little faith can have great returns. Evenings end with Stoat calling for donations, which he then invests for his followers. He hopes that they will all eventually be able to afford to build an even larger home for his ministries to “share the bounty of the Lord.”

“You see, in my years, I discovered one thing. The Godliest of men always seem to have the most money. What I mean is, when you look around, you see that most of the men, apart from a few loonies, with the most money all have a great faith in the Lord. Some say it is because they exploit people, but they are just jealous of the Lord's blessings,” said Stoat.

One of Stoat's most controversial claims has been the effect of education on potential prosperity. He holds that an education actually dampens the religious fervor of his followers, which causes God to look them over when they would otherwise receive a blessing. Dr. Theresa Barnes (56), an atheist, is one of his most outspoken critics.

“He's a menace! He's actually telling people that they ought to be dumb, and accept what he has to say as the word of God. Can you believe that? Have they even bothered to look at his past? Stoat is up to no good, and is decrying one of the things most valuable to our society, an education,” said Barnes.

Stoat takes a cavalier approach to Barnes' criticisms. He even used her as an example to illustrate several of his points during one sermon. Word eventually reached Barnes, who has sued Stoat for slander.

“All I said was that the reason she feels the need to attack me is because she is so unhappy and unsuccessful is because she cut God from her life. Colleges are places of unhappiness even for the most devout believer. Can't you see? College students, even the most well-funded, always seem perpetually poor. This is obviously the displeasure of the Lord. What makes matters worse is Ms. Barnes has not only stepped beyond her station as a woman, but that she also thinks blaming a person of integrity will make everything better for her,” said Stoat.

Public opinion of Stoat is varied, but he shared that numerous towns in Alabama have sent him letters telling him that they would welcome him with open arms. While he doesn't know what the future will bring, Stoat is sure everything will be fine as long as he has his lucky quarter.

So Good It's Sinful?

A controversial papal ban has sent thousands of Catholics to the emergency room this week. In light of the recent social sins added to the ever popular list of deadly sins that the Vatican has espoused for centuries, the Pope has announced that another new sin needed to be added: fresh fruit.

“A comprehensive study by a third party checked the rates of sinning among parishioners against the average diet, and made a startling discovery,” a Vatican spokesman said, “Those most likely to sin were also eating high amounts of fresh fruit. Did Eve not tempt Adam with an apple?”

The ban, coming so close to the new social sins, has met with mixed reactions from Catholics around the globe. George Haywood, 13, is one of the most enthusiastic about the new ban. He is incredibly keen on emulating pirates, the holiest men ever under the new ban. George thinks that the new ban will encourage all manner of holy behavior, and his parents are keen on the new ban as well.

“A little scurvy will do him some good, and keep him distracted from other things. There's more incentive for the young to keep their pants on when they've got pus-spewing sores on their legs,” says Martha Haywood, 45.

Devout dumpster divers have proven less than scrupulous in their search for morsels. Semi-rotten and growing fruit recover from neighbors trash or from behind the local hospital has lead to a growing number of visits to the emergency room. Doctor Nathaniel Smith of the Lady of Mercy hospital fully expects that the numbers will continue until the Vatican reverses its “disastrous” new ban.

Those not expecting a repeal of the ban have taken to coming up with new ideas to compensate for the sudden lack of fruit in their diet. A leading bishop, who wishes to remain anonymous, has written to the College of Cardinals and the Pope suggesting that the practice of abstinence be expanded throughout the week. He believes “a steady supply of fish will help the young fortify their bodies and minds for Christ.”

Those least happy about the ban include the family owned business, “Adam's Apples.” In operation since 1948, the store has served its local Catholics throughout troubled times, and the ban would devastate their business.

“It wasn't a damn apple, you silly hatted buffoon! Jesus Christ, that was an artist's decision,” complained Bart Adams, 62, “I mean, couldn't we just put a warning label on the fruit? Or maybe have a priest bless the sprinklers? Seems a bit drastic to just ban it all.”

Conditions do not appear favorable for a reversal of the ban at the moment. Responding to protests in St. Peter's Square, the Pope made a brief appearance to quiet the fears of his people. Hopes were dashed towards the end of his appearance when the Pope said, “What's a little scurvy compared to the cleanliness of your immortal soul?”

As the Vatican considers all the reactions pouring into its complex, the Catholics of the world wait with baited breath and the fish markets will continue to bounce back from the global recession.